It is very stressful and burdensome to live outside the country without your love ones and this is even burning when it comes to America. Yet the procedures involved in leaving the country for non-existing greener pastures do not allow us to move with our loves ones.
Indeed the situation is not very different for singles. Life alone in the house is very different from life alone away from home.
The level of socialization in Ghanaian societies – where everybody knows everyone, and everybody is everybody’s friend – relieves singles of the stress of loneliness. Here that form of socialization does not exist! You get to meet your friend at the train station or you depend on the phone to remain connected.
The time you are out of work, your friend is off to work. In fact I had a friend who used to see his own wife twice a week – meanwhile they lived in the same apartment and the wife was cooking for him. The man was an overnight worker and leaves his work at 8am while the wife worked the first shift and leaves the house at 7am.
So single men, just like we those who left our love ones behind are equally battling the same problems with us. The problem for them is whom and where to marry, and our problem is giving what our friends are going and have gone through, do we bring our partners here or join them back home.
Let me tell you our fears now, I know you are eager to read that: the failure rate of marriages among immigrants is higher than our job success rates: the issue is so alarming that not only are we losing our loves but also our children are going wayward.
I have a friend who is very religious and highly respected by the Ghanaian community here. He has been here for more than 18 years and was married to a lady back home for all that period. The marriage was blessed with three children with the first born approaching 20 years. When this friend became a citizen and filed for the children to join him, there was the need for DNA – that is a requirement you cannot run from as long as you want to bring your Children to the US. You would not believe what happened! Out of the three children, there was 0.00% link between the first two and the man, with only the third one recording close to 100%.
This man is not like me who does not go to Ghana often. He goes back home every year and sometimes more than once! Yet the lady was so good enough to have a boyfriend who satisfied her sexual desire to produce children for this innocent man: thank God the marriage is no more after the stunning discovery.
Another young boy met this beautiful lady from his village and developed interest in her. They both agreed to build something together – perhaps marriage. This gentleman introduced himself to the lady’s family and took her to Kumasi to learn trade. He paid every penny for the training, send her money every month to keep her up and happy. But to our surprise, the lady took a boyfriend and even gave birth without this American boy’s notice.
Indeed she continued deceiving him until someone called and asked him if he is aware the lady has a baby. We both challenged that, because it was just unthinkable! But when he sent his sister to verify the claims, the lady’s breast were flowing like river Nile – as a baby hangs from it with her legs dangling – my guy is still searching for love since then.
That was just for those back home. Here in America, the case is even worse! A lady will work sleeplessly to bring the husband here, only for him to leave her and go back home looking for younger and beautiful ladies. I know a man who charged his own wife who cooks and does everything for him, $6,000 to help her get her citizenship. I am very sure he made love to her very night she finished paying him the money.
I must however be honest we (men) are the most disadvantaged here. I know uncountable number of cases where a man brought his wife here only for her to turn as his number one enemy. The reason is very simple: the American legal system favors women, children and dogs.
If a dog “stops the police and inform them that you hit him,” Haaa, masa you are dead! For your children do not try raising your voice, they will call 911 – that is the first thing they learn in school. And women!
A friend of mine met a Spanish lady who told him she could satisfy his lust for $50. As someone who needed that badly, my friend accepted and they went to his bedroom. After everything, the lady dressed and told him to pay her $200 or she would call the police and say he raped her. My friend who was now shaking like a grinding mail had no choice but to go with her to the bank to add more money to the $50 agreed price: yeah that is how it is here.
Our wives meet their friends who educate them on how to save money to build a house back home. The strategy is simple – have a child or two with the man, file for divorce and ask for child support. With this the man would be paying for the welfare of the children, enough to cover the rent and their food. In that case, the lady can be keeping all her wages for her projects back home. I ask myself, why all this?
The answer is the mindset we develop the very first day we are leaving our origin countries. When a man files for his wife or a woman does same, the beneficiary is thinking about coming to US or going abroad to make money rather than joining a spouse. Family member give tips and demands on how the beneficiary should be: As such, we come here with economic mindset rather than uniting with our families. It is therefore not surprising that we find it easy to abandon the family for the money.
While this is sad, it is the truth and shows no sign of ending. That is why I always tell my friends that “America is for Americans.” Ours is different – this is a society where a family can best be defined as a man, his wife, their children and their dog. Whereas in ours a family includes the larger family of the man, that of the woman, the family of the children’s wives and husbands and all the branches you can name. While I am suffering from lack of vitamin wife during the summer through the winter, I am careful about what actions to take.
Until I join my wife in Ghana, I accept the cold and will always hide under the big comforter sitting in my bed for mercies! And until we change our mindsets and realize that we join our partners to continue our bonds and marital vows; until we realize that work and money are by-products of the marital union, we will continue swimming in this pool of divorce.
Iddrisu Abubakari Sadiq
B.A. Economics – CUNY Lehman, NY, USA.
MBA (Public Accounting) – Iona College, NY, USA
Assurance and Audit Staff, Earns and Young –Stamford CT. USA.
